Why me?

For people with Alopecia (5 million in the US alone), you lose your hair because that darn immune system of yours is just a little over zealous attacking your hair follicles as if they were viruses. Besides the loss of hair, Alopecians are otherwise perfectly healthy individuals. Alopecia doesn't physically hurt perse or make me sick. Medically speaking it is simply categorized as a cosmetic issue. I know now that it's much better to just look sick than to actually be sick but it took many years for me to make peace with that fact.


So then comes the obvious next question an Alopecian asks him/herself upon diagnosis - "Why me"? One of the most difficult parts of living with alopecia is learning to accept that at least for now there is no hard evidence as to why you have it or where it came from. Sure there are theories - genetic, environmental, dietary - but that's all they are - theories.


Being diagnosed with it as a child, I questioned "Why me?" almost every day. No one in my immediate family or even my extended family had alopecia or any hair loss in general. I come from a big family, everyone with thick luscious black hair. My parents, my two sisters, my brother, and even my 90 year old grandparents - God bless them - all have beautiful full heads of hair.


I remember in elementary school thinking that I wished that I had cancer because at least then I'd have an explanation. An easily identifiable, explainable reason I wouldn't be afraid to share. People could readily understand why I looked this way, but most of all, I figured cancer was a reason that I myself could accept. It's a hard pill to swallow at any age that you're losing your hair just because.


My mother's theory as to "Why me?" she finally divulged to me as an adult. Apparently, while she was pregnant with me, she was under tremendous stress having lost her job. I guess it is conceivable that perhaps due to the stress, my mother didn't take care of herself as well as she could of but I know that even that omission can't be the end all be all explanation. There are cases where even in twins only one of the two is diagnosed with Alopecia.

The "Why me?" explanation I enjoy the most, I surprisingly heard from more than one faith healer/witch doctor I saw for treatment. According to two separate spiritual gurus (one read melted candle wax and the other spoke in tongues), when I was 2 yrs old, I was playing on the beach or somewhere near water in the Philippines and fairies - yes fairies - saw me and decided to play a trick on me the result being alopecia. It may sound a bit morbid but I also think it's kind of cute and in a strange way - romantic. A magical curse that puts me in the leagues of Sleeping Beauty. The idea is so Harry Potter-esque how can I not embrace it.

At the end of the day though I know that the answer to "Why me?" is really irrelevant. Only as I grow older and wiser do I see that everyone at some point in time in life is unsatisfied with their physical appearance. Too short, too fat, flat nose, flat chested - are those issues really that much different than no hair - not really. We all struggle to feel comfortable in our own skin.

When I get ready for work each morning my babies smile at me and know I'm their mommy whether I have hair on or not. I know that that kind of unconditional love is really what life's all about.

Reaching out

I recently joined an Alopecia-Areata support group online at mdjunction.com I posted that I was here to help and was happily surprised to receive my first question from a young 14 year old with Alopecia. Her first question to me asked if my hair ever grew back

my response:
"when i still had the majority of my hair the bald patches would grow back a little but unfortunately never all of it. my mom seems to think that we might have over done it going from one treatment to another too quickly. i honestly wasn't super diligent about applying the medication every night which i regret. i was either too lazy or the medicine would really iritate my scalp (which i guess it was supposed to do) but i remember i would dread it sometimes. my parents literally tried everything from rubbing raw garlic on my bald spots, to the lastest and greatest medicines out there from the top dermatologists, to sending me to witch doctors/faith healers - geez the stories i could tell - it would crack you up."

it really would crack you up - especially if you have Alopecia too. my earliest memory of a "treatment" was my wonderful mother literally crushing a fresh garlic clove and rubbing it onto my bald spots. how silly does that sound? to her credit, she really was about trying anything and garlic is supposed to be super healthy i guess. i remember once she was applying it on my scalp when my grandfather was over watching and he made a joke about how he just needed some vinegar and we'd have a dipping sauce for lumpia (a pilipino egg roll). see how random my childhood memories are?

plans...

They tell you to write about what you know and this is what I know.

I am 33 and have lived with alopecia since I was 2. So I have been through it all, teased in elementary school, middle school, high school, dating with alopecia, marriage and now kids. I am happy to share stories and advice on how I coped with it at every stage of my life.

I hope that through this blog I can share the insight and knowledge I have gained over the years. I am in a very happy place in life now - I am in a wonderful 5 yr long marriage and have 2 beautiful daughters. I know I have come a long way.

I'll be sharing information:

1. for parents of kids with Alopecia or if someone you love has alopecia - insight into what I felt at each age - kid, teenager, young adult.
2. for teens/young adults living with Alopecia - tips on make up & hairpieces (like most i hate the word "wig")
3. for single adults living with Alopecia - dating tips - highs and lows
4. my continued fears as a parent - how can I not be fearful that someday my daughters will get alopecia and how I cope with the idea

I know that there is a large community of families effected by Alopecia and I want to help.